Overwatch is so damn satisfying.
When digging around upstairs for the wording to describe Overwatch, to how it feels when you’re playing, and when you’re done playing, I simply kept coming back to one word: satisfying. Well, two, actually. The other being: good-god-please-switch-characters-we-don’t-need-four-fuckin’-Reapers-right-now.
The point is, it just feels good to play Overwatch.
Successfully executing Roadhog’s chain hook is the video game equivalent of slipping on a pair of socks straight from the dryer.
Reaching the brink of death on Tracer, only to go back in time with her recall ability, to a better time, when you had full health and a full clip of ammo and there were no Kardashians or Zika virus or vaping enthusiasts (alright, maybe she can’t go back THAT far, unfortunately) is like a rewarding gaming sneeze that you thought had come and gone, but out of nowhere, BOOM, blissful snot emancipation.
Trapping a room full of opponents using Mei’s ice wall will put a smile on your face that only receiving an extra chicken wing with your order can match.
Overwatch is full of these simple, little, immensely satisfying moments for you to repeat over and over again.
Perhaps the chief catalyst for this feeling is each character’s individual, diverse, powerful, and often-devastating ultimate abilities. There’s a palpable excitement watching the percentage meter at the bottom of the screen fill up, waiting for your ultimate to charge. And when it finally ticks over, you KNOW it’s about to be on. You KNOW that you’re about to experience one of these moments.
So now, with all of the flawless science and logic behind a rankings list of something awesome, I present the definitive (not at ALL definitive) rankings for the Overwatch beta’s most satisfying ultimate abilities.
1. Soldier 76 - Tactical Visor
I mean, come on, it’s a fucking aimbot... and it’s LEGAL.
Soldier 76 bypasses VAC detection like a Counter Strike version of Thomas Crown (if instead of stealing priceless art, Thomas Crown were a Pizza Roll inhaling teenager who satiated his sociopathic urges by amassing worthless statistics using digital PED’s) to auto-aim decimate everything in sight.
In Overwatch, it’s totally fair play! It’s cheap. It’s easy. It’s glorious.
2. Winston - Primal Rage
Look, your character turns into King Kong. If that doesn’t do anything for you, then you’re truly a soulless weirdo.
3. Bastion - Configuration: Tank
Bastion’s ultimate is like skipping through all of the minutiae of a Call of Duty match and going straight to the goods: the killstreaks. He turns into a mobile nuke dispenser and one-shots everyone in his vicinity.
4. Reaper - Death Blossom
You spin around in circles spraying hot death. You are a character in a John Woo movie for a few seconds. Being a character in a John Woo movie for a few seconds is a pretty cool thing.
5. Mercy - Resurrect
In a world where taking life is so common, Mercy’s ability to resurrect multiple teammates at a time feels fantastic and fresh all at once.
6. Genji - Dragonblade
Classic cyber ninja shenanigans here. You dart around, slashing people with a sword. This one speaks for itself.
7. McCree - Deadeye
You know, it’s crazy to think about all of those legendary cowboys back in the day who could pop a coin out of the air or “shoot the taint hair off a horny mosquito in heat” or whatever gross 1800's kind of phrase one might use, because weren’t they always super drunk? Like, they didn’t have jobs or anything. They just shot things and robbed people and drank and spit and drank. Impressive aim considering the lifestyle.
Anyway, McCree is this game’s cowboy character, so I always picture that he’s drunk while playing him. This makes his already-fun special even more spectacular. Try it!
8. Junkrat - RIP-Tire
You take control of a tire full of explosives and drive it into people. One more time: you take control of a TIRE FULL OF EXPLOSIVES and drive it into people.
9. Torbjörn - Molten Core
This one is tricky, because, on the surface, you’re not really DOING much of anything. You’re just kind of flipping a switch that turns your turrets into mega turrets. But when you’ve got one of those bad boys in a good location and turn it into the damn cannons on an AT-AT, you’ll feel like a dwarven engineering god.
10. Hanzo - Dragonstrike
An arrow turns into a dragon ghost and kills everything in its path. The idea of a schizophrenic first grader on his fourth Baja Blast. So... the BEST kind of idea.
11. Widowmaker - Infra-Sight
More classic hacks happily provided by Blizzard. Widowmaker’s wall hack turns her entire team into her accomplices, who are thrilled to partake in the crime.
12. D. Va - Self-Destruct
Potentially overpowered. Guaranteed to salt the shit out of the other team. Easy as hell to use. D. Va’s ultimate has it all.
13. Mei - Blizzard
We all figured this out with Sub-Zero back in the original Mortal Kombat days: freezing people is fun as hell. Decades later, yup, it still is!
14. Symmetra - Teleporter
Perhaps the only ultimate that feels better for the teammates than it does for the hero themselves. When I spawn in, prepared for the marathon back to the object and see that our Symmetra has dropped her teleporter, I happily run my fatass Roadhog through that sucker with no shame like I’m blowing past the gym and straight into the Taco Bell drive-thru.
15. Reinhardt - Earthshatter
This ultimate feels like Blizzard took a World of Warcraft ability and put it into Overwatch. So, therefore, they took something amazing from my childhood and injected it into something awesome in my adulthood. It’s a Crystal Pepsi and bourbon on the rocks.
16. Pharah - Barrage
Pharah becomes a rocket-spewing super-Samus. So that’s pretty cool.
17. Zarya -Gravitation Surge
Effective ultimate with some cool effects, but it won’t blow your mind by any means.
18. Zenyatta - Transcendence
Become invincible, heal your teammates, float around Indian-style as if you’re some sort of robotic yogi. Not too bad. Not too exciting, either.
19. Roadhog - Whole Hog
Roadhog is an extremely awesome character. His ultimate, however, is decidedly not very awesome.
20. Lucio - Sound Barrier
Eh. It’s super useful for the team. But... eh.
21. Tracer - Pulse Bomb
For one of the game’s most fun characters, and my personal favorite, her sticky grenade is extremely underwhelming. It scores so low for me because it seems out of tone considering the quality of the character otherwise. Sure it’s fun when you tag someone with it, but considering her overall strength, throwing one of these into the battlefield feels like John Matrix tossing a popper into the fray at the end of Commando.
So there you have it, a list that is SURE to be unanimously agreed upon. Let’s all chat it up in the comments and talk about just how much we align with this perfect ranking of totally subjective things!
There is one thing for certain, however, I can’t wait to pull those dryer-fresh socks on again come May 24th.
Mac Fabes is a former copywriter who would rather spend his free time writing about video games than brainstorming hundreds of taglines for diarrhea medication.
When he’s not writing far too many words about video games, you can find Mac on twitter harassing local sports reporters, talking video games, and defending Guy Fieri with an absolute lack of irony.